USE SOAP!

I bought my nine-year-old boy a wash rag and presented it to him.

“What is that?” he looked at said cloth like it was a green slimy foreign food I had given to him to swallow whole.

“This is a wash rag. You use it to clean yourself.”

“What?”

I recently had his eyes checked, but not his ears.

“Noah, you use it in the bath tub.”

“How?”

I thought of the old Bill Cosby routine about telling your kid to go take a bath. (BTW, I couldn’t find this routine on line so I am paraphrasing. If anyone knows how I can find original, let me know. It is all BILL COSBY.)

Cosby, the funniest parent alive, tells his child the following commands:

Take a bath.

Turn on the water.

Get your body wet.

Get your ENTIRE body wet.

USE SOAP.

Use soap ON your body.

ALL OVER your body.

Rinse your body.

USE WATER.

Rinse your ENTIRE body.

Dry your body.

USE A TOWEL.

Use a towel ALL OVER your body.

:0)

So I took a clue from Mr. Cosby and walked Noah through hygene 101. He watched me intently, but I have no idea if any of what I was saying was getting through. It’s as if he has turned 9 and immediately made hygene the least important thing in his life, right below paying attention to Mom’s list of commands.

I decided we would learn the new behaviors as we go, so I just gave him the wash rag.

“Go put that away.”

“Where?”

I stared at my offspring. My beloved, cherished little boy.

“IN THE BATH TUB.”

“Why?”

Help me, Bill!