Tuesday, February 05, 2013

This is My Life in Change...a little venting.

I'm in month four of my dieting, changing my lifestyle, torturing myself, starving to death plan. Okay, maybe it's not all that bad and anyway, I have cheated often. I mean, what was I thinking starting in November? Did I forget that Thanksgiving and Christmas were coming? Anyhow, I cheated. Which is not a great way to put it, but there it is.

God has been so gracious and loving and KIND to me during this time. He knows my heart and He knows my body and He loves me. Fat, obese, skinny or trim. He just wants me to lean onto Him. And that means leaning into pain at times. Not fun.

Biggest change of course is the gym. I have conquered my fear of it and now I actually enjoy going. Enjoy may be the wrong word, but it's close. At the gym I feel as if I am DOING something about my life. Taking control, sort of.

Today was not a personal training session. But in my effort to continually push myself, little by little, to do more, I did the following:

2 minutes on the stair master - yesterday was my first time on this ridiculous device that kicks my arse!
10 minutes on the bike at a higher level than usual.
5 minutes on the elliptical.
20 minutes on the treadmill, going from 5 minutes at a 4 incline to O incline but walking fast.
3 minutes on the rowing machine in which I rowed 500 meters.

Yay me! Go God!

But the enemy is on the prowl all the time and so an hour later, when I walked into one of my favorite coffee hangouts to write, I was suddenly hungry and angry. Not a good combo. I quickly ascertained that I wasn't REALLY hungry, just annoyed that I couldn't have the truffle brownies they displayed by the cash register. I breathed deep and the justifying thoughts began:

Well, they say gluten free - maybe they don't have many calories.
I did all that at the gym!!! I deserve a truffle brownie!!
What the heck! I will lose weight eventually - today I'll just eat a little extra. 

Then came the thought that has rescued me over and over:

I'll wait a few minutes and then decide.

I walked over and saw that my favorite table was taken. Normally, this is one of those "Oh well" moments. Today, cuss words came to mind quickly. Colorful words I don't use but are still in my mind's dictionary.

I breathed deeply and waited a moment. I prayed and sowed a seed to the Spirit. "God, I know You are with me. Bless those folks who stole my table. Don't punish them just because they are stupid idiots!!!"

I breathed deeply and waited another moment. Again, I prayed. "Sorry God. Bless them and cause me to run back to some sort of sanity. Give me perspective. Thank you for the almonds that I get to eat in a few minutes that will satisfy me more than truffle brownies. I hope. In Jesus name, Amen."

I ordered my mango tango iced tea - 0 calories - and walked to another table.

This is my life in change. It's a process. I cheat. I sow seeds. I do the work at the gym. I complain. I pray. I get angry. I cheer for what the Father is doing.

See, He loves me. I almost see Him grinning at me when I got mad at those innocent thieves folks who sat at my table. He shook His head in complete love and grace as I wrestled over the truffle brownie. And you know what? If I had bought the brownie and indulged, He would love me just as much! That's His grace.
Which I need desperately during my dieting, changing my lifestyle, torturing myself, starving to death plan.

Here's to another day of doing life in His grace! (By the way, the almonds were tasty. But I'm not crazy - the truffle brownie would've tasted better.)  :0)

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