I should’ve taken a shovel with me when I went to the monastery this past weekend for a couple days alone with God. I didn’t, of course. I had no idea I was going to spend a major part of that time digging up a big ‘ole, and a bad ‘ole root in my soul.
God provided the shovel and helped me and we got it out and threw it away. It was painful work, but in order to keep walking into who God wants me to be, it had to be done.
Before I left, John told me, “Robbie, think about what need you are trying to meet that can only be met by God. I think you might start with security.”
He was completely correct. I took some time and asked God about what I was putting my security in when it came to writing. After some harsh truth flooded my heart, I admitted that I wrote in order to make money so that I would feel “safe” financially.
I just knew, I knew, that I was close to a big book deal in which I would make a lot of money and basically have all my financial needs and dreams met. So when it didn’t happen, I crashed.
God’s timing is perfect and it’s no coincidence that I am going through a Bible study entitled “Enough” written by my friend Stacy Voss. God’s been teaching me about my level of greed and my lack of contentment in who I am and what I have. I’m ashamed of the way my heart has believed that if I had more, or if I were more, then my life would be so much more. LIES!
I am in a position that is truly a blessing. My husband has said to me, “Robbie, I will work and provide for our family. You follow the call God has on your life WITHOUT any thought about money.” What a gift!
And yet, I haven’t believed him. I’ve felt guilty, earning next to nothing as a writer/speaker. I’ve continually dreamed about being able to pay my fair share, or even making more than enough as a famous author. But now I know it would have never have been more than enough. It wouldn’t have been enough.
Why? Because my heart, like yours, will never be satisfied with anything less than Christ and His fulfillment in our lives. Period.
So I took the shovel and dug up dirt in my heart – greed for more, more, more, disobedience in allowing God to be my security and fear of the unknown future.
In its place, God renewed my by planting satisfaction in His goodness and satiation in His abundance. HE is enough. He has my back. He will provide. ALWAYS. If I had to sum up what God planted in me this past weekend it would be:
Jeremiah 31:14 “I will satiate the souls of the priests with abundance. And My people shall be satisfied with My goodness says the Lord.”
So now what?
I keep going. I keep writing and trying and enjoying this adventure. I use the gift He’s given me and live out the call He has on my life the best I can. I expect rejection and crashes and I practice reacting by living in the joy, the satisfaction, the satiation of who He is. Love. Lord. Savior. The Author of All. Redeemer and Forgiver. The Gardener of my soul.
My prayer for you is that you will stay close to His heart. And if you need a shovel, ask Him.
Next week I am going to try my hand a vlogging – video logging. :0) See you Tuesday if there is no technical difficulties – meaning I can’t figure it all out. :0)